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Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm my own stumbling block sometimes ...

I am my own stumbling block. I don't like to admit I have limits and I try to go above and beyond what I am physically able to do. I not only hurt myself by doing this, but I end up hurting those around me at the same time. Yes it's true that I've had 21 surgeries and have an ileostomy bag and am exhausted 90% of the time, but still that doesn't mean I have to stop living. For years I felt so bad for myself that I just laid in bed or on the couch totally depressed. But now I have learned that by speaking faith and trusting God I am able to do way more then I ever thought myself possible. But still I have limits. And I guess deep down to admit that if I have limits then I am also admitting that I am not healed or that my faith isn't totally in God. And I beat myself up about it and bring myself down.

So I'm working on realizing my limits, and trying to push past them with realistic goals. And I guess that's my real problem I feel it has to be all or nothing. I've never been one to settle for second best and that's what it feels like. I feel like Peter who walked on water. When my eyes are on God I am floating and feel GREAT! But the second I take my eyes off Him I start drowning and it takes everything within me to get back up. And God in His mercy picks me back up and helps me to walk again.

"And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" Matthew 14 25-31

So my prayer today is:

"Lord help me to feel your strength and healing virtue. I know you are my healer and deliver and I do not have to accept the condition that my body is in! Help me to trust you completely and not make unrealistic goals for myself, so that I will later be disappointed in myself and beat myself up. But help me to keep my eyes on you, without doubt and fear. Knowing that you WILL heal my body and I WILL have a baby in your timing. And in the mean while help me not to be a stumbling block to myself and others. But help me to be a light and encouragement to others. That they will see you working in my life and will know that you can do it for them also! In the precious name of our Lord and Savior Jesus! AMEN!"


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