Guest Blogger ... My Children By Faith

As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mother. I'm not quite sure what drove that so strongly within me, but I felt like it was what I was created to do. After we were married about a year, our friends started having kids and I started getting the itch. I was so eager to become a mother and I wanted to be a young mom. But, I was almost certain I would have a problem with any potential pregnancy. Part of it was my own mother's history; she had 2 to 3 miscarriages before having me, my sister, and my half brother. I also had never had any major gynelogical issues up to this point in time. I was told by my OB/GYN that these things aren't always hereditary, so they gave me hope, but yet I had dread. I was told to try naturally for a year, and if we didn't conceive, to come back and we would go to a fertility clinic.



Baby Boy!



That year came and went. My husband kept telling me he wasn't ready for kids, but knew how badly I wanted them and was going along with the whole thing. I scoured the internet for fertility clinics in my area that accepted my insurance. I found one that had great reviews, high success rates, and was actually the closest to my house. I scheduled the appointment, but had to wait 2 months for the consultation. I felt comfortable with the clinic, but still unsure of what we were about to embark on. After the initial examination and tests, it was discovered that there was nothing structurally wrong with me (no blockages, tumors, or anything like that). My husband underwent some testing and things were not ideal, but not terrible or bleak or anything that required treatment.





Baby Girl!

 So we started trying to conceive with the help of the fertility clinic. After the first year of disappointment after disappointment, I started to get really depressed (the hormones from the treatments didn't help any either). Things were so bleak for me. My husband, who can normally make me laugh about anything, couldn't cheer me up. I felt like God was so far away. I wondered why He would instill this strong desire in my heart to become a mother, but block all my attempts. After I got sad, I got angry. I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to worship. I felt like God turned His back on me, so I turned my back on Him. My depression created a rift in my marriage, which was already under a crazy amount of stress with this whole intefertility thing. Plus, we decided to keep our struggles to ourselves. We didn't want our families to know because we were afraid they would discourage us by saying we were too young (we were 26 at the time we resorted to fertility treatments).


 



Baby Boy!



Finally something snapped me out of it and I decided it was time to start opening up to our families and close friends about our journey. This started to help lift some of the burden of what we were going through and I started seeking some pastoral guidance. My pastor of counseling shared with me the story of Hannah, found in I Samuel 1. She had me focus on verse 20: “So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son.” In the course of time. I meditated on those words. I had to keep reminding myself that God had given me this promise and in His time, His promise would be fulfilled and I would be a mother. It wasn't easy to remember this and I still battled depression, but this verse was in the back of my mind all the time. Even month after month as I got my period and had to start all over again.





My husband and I made the decision to have IVF. We had done all the other treatments we could with no success. We had to wait 6 months before we could start the process because of insurance issues. The week after we had our initial consultation about IVF and what it would entail, we went to dinner at my sister-in-law's house. Before we had dessert, she announced she was pregnant. The look of horror on my face was hard to hide and I almost threw up choking back the tears. It wasn't fair! She had just been married 7 months earlier (I had been married for almost 5 years at this point). Why her and not me?! Oh, the feelings of anger, betrayal, and depression I had! I had to try and move on because in 2 weeks we would be starting our IVF journey.






Baby Girl!



On March 24, 2009, I went into the OR to have my eggs harvested. Ten eggs were retrieved that day. The embryologist called the next day to tell me that 7 of those eggs were mature enough to attempt fertilization. Five of the eggs actually fertilized. We were told I was on track for a 5 day transfer and I would be called for more follow up. On March 29, we returned to the clinic for transfer. I had to take Valium before the procedure and couldn't stop laughing from the medication. The embryologist came in and handed us a picture. Our two little embroys!!! These were the two little ones who survived till day 5. I got weepy and looked at my husband and said “I want them both!”. My thought was, if this is our only shot at pregnancy, this would be perfect. Plus, my husband is a twin and his biological father is a twin, so I was very excited about that.



Two weeks later, we got the call: I WAS PREGNANT! We laughed, cried, and hugged letting all the emotion that had built up over the past 3 & ½ years as we journeyed. A week after that, it was confirmed we were having twins. My pregnancy was extremely difficult and not at all what I expected it to be, but in the end, I ended up with a beautiful son and daughter. This month, they will turn 1. I can't believe we've made it. I can't believe how perfect God's timing has been! He knew my husband wasn't ready for kids. So He made me wait until my husband wanted it as badly as I did. He knew our insurance wouldn't cover the treatments. It turns out, in 2009 my husband's employer restructured their benefits so almost everything was covered. I wanted to have kids by the time I was 30. I delievered when I was 29 & ½. God knew...and that amazes me every time I look in my children's faces.

Thank you so much N for sharing your story with us!