"God hath made me to laugh..."

I've been thinking about my cousin's post a few days ago, What is the desire of your heart? And I guess I've been pondering it in my mind. Well last night I had the most amazing dream and I just had to share it with you.

It has been the desire of my heart since I was a small child to have identical twin boys. I think it comes from me being raised with 2 sisters, and longing for a brother to play basketball with. Anyway I never really talk about it much, I guess because it has always felt like the chances were 1/100000000000000000 Basically a long shot. hahaha (don't know why I think it's harder for God to bless with two babies instead of one. I realize I have been limiting God's ablitities... hmmm something for me to ponder) So anyway here's my dream...

I ususally dream about myself pregnant but I never get to the birth. I guess I have a fear of this part. LOL Do you blame me? Well my mom and DH were in the delivery room with me and I was having a C-section. My doctor says to me, "I think I feel 2 heads, I'll bet you anything there are twins in there." (Why I'm only finding out in the delivery room I have no idea) But I'm super duper excited! For Real! TWINS?!?!?! So I look down at my stomach and sure enough she is pulling 2 dark headed babies (heads up- uh oh) out of my stomach. And man were they huge! They each weighed 8 lbs... oh my... She showed me my dear little boys for a split second and the nurses wisked them away. I didn't care right at the moment because I wasn't feeling so good. But about 15 minutes later it hit me, I'M A MOTHER! I HAVE TWIN BOYS! And the adrenalin just started pumping. I was *laughing and crying and totally hyped up. I had to see my babies!! The nurse said I had to stay in bed for atleast an hour while she watched me to make sure there were no complications. Well I'm sorry but I've waited years to meet these little people and NOBODY is going to keep them from me. So I waited until she turned her back and I got out of bed and walked down to the nursery. She came running after me filled with concern and I just turned and said,"I've had 21 surgeries, this is nothing!" (I love myself in my dreams!!) And finally I got to really see my two munchkins! And yes they were identical. So identical infact even I couldn't tell them apart yet. They had black hair with red highlights .. hehehe .... and dark blue eyes and they were perfect!! A thousand crazy thoughts were going through my head at the same time, I only have one name picked out, I don't have enough cloth diapers (who does?) I only have one hat from The Cotton Cupcake Shoppe. (Yes Amber I really did dream this!) But I looked down into those beautiful perfect bundles and nothing in the world seemed to matter. The whole world closed around me and it was just me and my little one's. I felt and overwhelming love and exhilleration. Really I don't know how to put it into words. I got to hold them and talk to them and it was just SO REAL!

Then I woke up! .... sigh ... I still could feel my baby's in my arms and that wholeness that I felt. And God gave me a total and complete peace that I haven't felt in many months! Everything's going to be OK! He know's what He is doing!  I will one day feel that for real! Whether it's a boy or girl or twins or not, none of that is really what matters. It's the thrill of knowing that God has entrusted me with one of his precious souls! That I will finally get to share all this love that is just bubbling up inside me waiting to come out!

* "And Abraham was an hundred years old, when his son Isaac was born unto him. And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me. And she said, Who would have said unto Abraham, that Sarah should have given children suck? for I have born him a son in his old age."
Genesis 21:5-7

I love you Jesus! Thank you for making me laugh! :)

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I never dreamed it would be this long...

When we were first married I never dreamed that our road to conception would be this difficult. Infact I went on birth control (depo shots) the month we were married because I was only 19 and didn't want children right away. I figured when we were ready it would just happen. About a year after we were married all of a sudden it hit me, the baby fever! I HAD to have a baby! Where this came from I have no idea, it was totally out of the blue. But it was there. Every month my period didn't start I was so excited that I ran right out to buy a pregnancy test. Only to see that horrible answer month after month, NOT PREGNANT. Finally after a year my periods started again and I though luck was finally on my side. After all a year is a long time to try to have a baby, right?

In November we will be celebrating our 14th anniversary and sadly it brings me bitter sweet joy. Joy that I am married to a wonderful caring man who has been through so much with me. A man that takes his wedding vows seriously, In good times and bad, In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, forsaking all others etc... I am truly cherished and blessed to have this man in my life. But still I fight feelings of sadness that we have been together 14 years and still no children ... I never dreamed it would be this long. People have babies every day, every minute, every hour. Why is it so hard for my body to do?

Only God knows! And he has given me the strength to make it through each day. I don't know His perfect plan in my life, only that He wants me to trust Him with every ounce of my being! I don't know the day or the hour that my child will finally come, but whether it's 9 months from now or 9 more years (help me Jesus!) I am confident that He will be with me all the way! I am open to His will in my life, however that may look! And one day when I hold my precious child in my arms it will be worth it all!

My scripture for today is Proverbs 3:5-6

My first Guest Blogger! - "What is the desire of your heart?"

I'm so excited that my first guest blogger to speak about her "child by faith" is my own dear cousin! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and encouraging us that God DOES give us the diesires of our heart! You blessed me with this story and I know it will bless others as well!     ~Sarah


As you know, DH (Dear Hubby) and I tried for seven years before we were blessed with our DD (Dear Daughter). I have been diagnosed with PCOS and know the pain of wondering if this was the month that God would bless me with his promise.

When DH and I bought our new house we were about six years into it. At that time my BFF was at an Aglow conference with her mother and they called on their way home and asked if they could stop by and bless our new home. One of the ladies had been praying specifically for my DH to come back to God, renew his commitment to Christ and knew that it would take the desire of his heart.

So, she specifically said to him..."What is the desire of your heart?" He said, "I want us to have a child of our own." That led this wonderful woman of God to pray for a healing for me. "By his stripes, we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

Six weeks later, my OBGYN who had been working with us on fertility work for years, did a blood test. Did I mention that I had taken two preg. tests and they were positive?

We were six weeks preg. according to our ultrasound. A true gift from God.

It can happen. The discouragement is real. God's timing and my own were quite different. We had decided two weeks before I found out I was preg. that we were finished trying. The fertility drugs were hard on me and I had already been through six cycles of meds. DH and I couldn't take it. When we got together, he wanted 12. I wanted 9.

Well, we have.... and may always have.... one beautiful daughter!!

And we couldn't have known through that process how it would feel on the opposite side. I actually freaked out so bad the day I found out I was preg. that I skipped the eighth grade graduation ceremony of the class that had dedicated the yearbook to me. I was a mess!!

Accept your healing, walk in faith, take those prenatal vitamins and folic acid always.

That way, when you DO find out, like I did that your miracle has arrived... you won't wonder if you were doing the best you could.

"...thy FAITH hath made the whole"

And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour. 

Matthew 9:20-22

The dreaded ultrasound!

I had an ultrasound this week to monitor an ovarian cyst that I've had for a while. (I'll save that story for another day!) And yes I always dread having an ultrasound for many reasons!

First of all I ALWAYS stand in faith that I AM pregnant. There's always the possibility that this is the month! And I NEVER appreciate seeing my womb empty!

Secondly I want to hear that heartbeat. And it's very disturbing to me not to hear one! That tell tale sign that "YES INDEED I am pregnant." Everytime I have an ultrasound I make sure to tell the tech that I am trying to conceive and won't be sad if she finds that little heartbeat. But so far ... silence! No I do not like the ultrasound!

Thirdly, I have a long history of ovarian cysts, and the older I get they seem to get worse. So not only are they telling me I am NOT pregnant, but they are also telling me all the reason's why I can't get pregnant and how impossible it is. Scar tissue, cysts ... blah...blah...blah... NO I do NOT like the ultrasound!

And although I am more determined then ever that I AM going to have a baby, I wonder why I bother having the dreaded ultrasound every year just to hear the bad news. Medically nothing changes by me going, but mentally it is very exhausting on me. So I have quoted this scripture to myself all week long ....

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Phillipians 4:8

So I keep my chin up and keep believing that the baby is coming and next month could be the month!!